The Journey Before the Journey
Here’s a tale I tell often, usually after a couple of hard ones, sometimes as a warning, but always as a badge of honor. Most of the time as an anecdote that says: “I’ve seen it.. I’ve been in the foxhole of life.” And for context: one of my closest friends did a tour in Afghanistan, and he even says this story feels like something straight out of the FUBAR files.
So, my wife and I were headed to PortMiami to catch a cruise. We decided to take a taxi – not an Uber – from our place in Palmetto Bay. The driver picks us up, glances at my wife, and asks, “Are you Mexican?” She blinks, says, “uhh… no, I’m Polish.” To which he replies, “okay… that’s okay.” So, I still don’t know what would’ve happened if she’d said yes. Would we have been offered a different route? A spiritual cleanse? Maybe a great taco recipe? Deportation? I don’t know.
Anyway, the thing quickly spirals into something plucked straight out of the film “After Hours.” Midway through, he starts pitching us a personal dubious pharmaceutical abattoir menu he had in his glove compartment. Yes, like a laminated drive-thru board of illicit substances. Offers discounts. Mentions bundling options. Bundling. Like it’s a cruise add-on package. Then came the swerving. The near-death left turns. The “we’re not gonna make it” moments. We skidded past cars like we were in a deleted scene from “Fast & Furious” – Taxi Drift.
When we finally arrived, we had to practically fight him over the Monopoly money passed off as change. So, what does this have to do with cruising from Miami? Because this—this is just the prologue to taking a Royal from the Magic City. Before you pray the WiFi works at the fake pirate bar on a boat going 17 knots toward Jamaica, you have to make it through Miami and through the port and prepare for it.
So let’s talk about it: What Not to Do When Cruising from Miami—from parking disasters to baggage Russian roulette to how not to get stranded in Hialeah with a suitcase and PTSD.
You don’t just show up at Mordor – I mean Miami Port.
1. Don’t show up late
This is not a Spirit Airlines flight where they hold the door while you argue about bag fees. Although honestly, I just wrote that line and it makes NO sense. Spirit would probably take off and then film you for their own amusement. They, like Pixar, live for our tears.
Cruise ships leave on time—with or without you. Miami traffic is a flaming tire pile wrapped in glitter, Gloria Estefan, George Straits, and folks talking to themselves like they are their own radio show. Leave early. Like, “sunrise and two espressos early.”
If you think 45 minutes is enough to get from Kendall to the port on a weekend – “but that’s what Google says” – then go ahead and realize the cold hard truth a bit too late, Miami is where AI, Machine Learning, and Logic come to die. Algorithms in this state don’t survive the trial run at the human condition and insane depravity that is the Miami native’s mindset.
2. Don’t wing the parking
Yes, PortMiami has parking. No, it’s not “easy.” It’s a maze of ramps, cones, cash-only signs, and passive- aggressive valet vibes. Don’t assume you can just “figure it out” day-of. Pre-book, pre-pay, or prepare to donate a kidney for a spot. And for the love of GPS, don’t leave your car in a random lot “near the port.” That lot may also moonlight as a repo graveyard.
3. Don’t pack like you’re fleeing the country
You’re going on a 5-day cruise, not escaping the FBI — unless you are, in which case, you’re not the only one, so get ready to make some underbelly of society friends. Otherwise, limit the luggage. Also, Cancun has Forever 21 so, just saying, you desperado.
Overpackers are the target of scrutiny, hate, and late night voodoo sessions. They clog every check-in line with their 3-piece Samsonite. You don’t need four pairs of shoes. You don’t need a sleep apnea machine or that full-sized bottle of shampoo.
It’s a boat — they have all that stuff. And, despite what most people say, the truth is that sometimes all those knickknacks in the cruise shops are just as expensive as in Target.
4. Don’t skip the luggage tags
Your bag needs a tag – an actual tag. Not a ripped out piece of cloth you tie around it you can ID it. If you don’t print it, attach it, and triple-staple it like a paranoid librarian, you’ll spend the first 12 hours wondering if your swim trunks are currently en route to Cozumel without you.
Cruise luggage holding places is like that section of your washing machine that seems to love making your socks disappear.
5. Don’t fall for the fake porters
This is Miami. Scammers are born, raised, and unionized. They are everywhere and some are so crafty that they could give TED talks on the subject.
Near the terminal, you’ll find “helpers” offering to carry your luggage for a small fee. But, they don’t work for the cruise line. Only hand off luggage to people in uniform and near the actual building—not the parking lot porta-potty.
6. Don’t forget proper ID
You’d be gobsmacked at how many people get all the way to the terminal before coming to terms with the fact that they brought their Costco card instead of their passport. Or worse: “I needed my passport? What do you mean Aruba is outside the US? But I’m on a cruise.”
No, your driver’s license doesn’t count. Neither does your expired Visa or a picture of your passport on your phone. No ID = no cruise = immediate emotional collapse in front of 600 retirees from Michigan. They will all stare at you and also cry over the death of the US educational system – particularly geography.
7. Don’t ignore the security line rules
Cruise security is airport-lite, but it’s still security. Don’t bring booze in your tote bag. Don’t act surprised when they scan your luggage. And don’t argue with the guy in uniform because your vape pen is “for medical reasons.”
You’ll get flagged, searched, and scolded by hard as nails folks who’ve been working the line since the Reagan administration.
8. Don’t assume you can just walk on
You will wait. There will be lines. It’s basically Universal Studios – the Harry Potter section – but with more polyester and fewer churros. Don’t show up angry, hungry or hungover. Boarding takes time. Security, check-in, health screening, photos, and some guy yelling “Deck 7 is FULL!” every five minutes like he’s Moses parting the buffet line.
It’s a pain. Also, it’s in Miami, which means that pain is going to escalate.
9. Don’t party the night before like a legend
One wet one becomes three. Three becomes “Where are my pants?” And suddenly you’re boarding dehydrated, dazed, and dangerously close to puking on a Carnival rep. Take advice from Robin Williams and don’t “party so much you end up looking at a camel’s behind the next day wondering where all the sand came from? Didn’t I just have one libation in New York?”
Miami nightlife is “Da Boss”. But if you show up to the terminal still sweating Mexico’s best from the night before, you’ll hope for the sweet release of death by the time the lifeboat drill hits.
10. Don’t treat the crew like your personal butlers
Just because you’re on vacation doesn’t mean basic human decency gets choked, shot and tossed overboard. The crew is working 12+ hour shifts while smiling at your weird flip-flop tan.
Tip well. Say thank you. Don’t wave your drink cup in the air like you’re summoning a genie. This isn’t Downton Abbey. It’s a floating hotel with plumbing issues.
Miami Port
PortMiami’s new cruise terminals are the type of thing you can see from space. We’re talking about a modern behemoth architectural wonder that puts the Great Wall of China to shame. There are so many terminals and whatnots that they had to repeat some of their labels. For instance, there’s a Terminal A and a Terminal AA.
It’s a sun drenched city with a mischievous personality – and thousands of tourists that, for some odd reason, think they own the place. So, I’d say take a stout stick, but if you do, some John Wick security guard will not only grab but beat you senseless with it. So, just enjoy the chaos. Enjoy the fact that almost everyone is off their meds’. And come to grips with why each one of those barely clinging to the edge individual is willing to take a cruise. They really are barely clinging to the edge. It was either a cruise or more therapy, and the latter wasn’t working.
Have you tried a Miami Cruise? What did you think? Let us know in the comments!
