Why Is Traffic So Bad in Miami?

We’re all the main character in a telenovela with a driver’s license

Look – traffic in Miami isn’t just gridlock, it’s “The Hunger Games” and everyone is a crack shot with a bow and arrow. And that’s not just a metaphor. You have a 50% chance of actually getting a couple of Hawkeyes and Katniss on any given day.

In this guide

1. Miami drivers think they’re always in “Fast & Furious”
2. Geography was designed by a madman
3. No one’s from here, and they all brought their driving habits with them
4. The Cuban coffee hits mid-commute
5. The infrastructure gave up years ago
6. No one uses public transit
7. Drawbridges exist to mock you personally
8. The cursed Bermuda Triangle of Miami left turns
9. Everyone is on their phone, all the time, always
10. The Latin American slugfest – driving school is for suckers

It’s jazz. Improvised. Loud. Deranged. Dangerous. In other words, a symphony of brake lights and profanity, scored by talking heads on the radio and disk jockeys that like to glam out. It is narrated by a man screaming into a bluetooth earpiece while eating a croqueta and making an illegal U-turn on Biscayne.

You know how “La-La Land” started with a musical number in a traffic jam? With people and folks talking about their dreams and whatnots? Well, here we have that. Only instead of a van full of drummers opening up you get one that’s full of geriatrics that have seen too many “Dirty Harry” movies. They have the whole “I have dementia” bit down to an art-form, and somehow they are packing.

Here, you’ll find grandsons telling their grandma, “There’s a reason Rosita took out the bullets… What do you mean you swung by Walmart? Hallow points?”

There are rules. Somewhere. Probably laminated in a DMV handbook no one in Dade County has ever opened. We don’t drive in Miami, we unleash the dogs of war and cry “HAVOK!” at the top of our lungs.. It is war. And we do it all in leased BMWs with expired tags.

Let’s break down the madness.

1. Miami drivers think they’re always in “Fast & Furious”

From the second you leave your driveway, it’s ON. The acceleration is zero to felony in 4.3 seconds.

Everyone thinks they’re Dom Toretto. Old ladies in Bentleys? Drag racing Lambos. Middle-aged accountants? Ripping donuts in Publix parking lots. Teenagers in beat-up Civics? They’ve watched too much “Tokyo Drift” and are now attempting to parallel park with the e-brake.

2. Geography was designed by a madman

Here’s the thing: Miami was never supposed to be a city. It was a mosquito-infested swampland that someone, probably on Peruvian marching powder, looked at and thought:

“Let’s build a freeway here, a nightclub there and surround it all with canals and 73,000 drawbridges.”

It’s not a joke. Here people started from the shore and went in and found “stuff.” Stuff that much like the dinosaurs in “Jurassic Park” knew they were at the top of the food chain. And to quote Ian Malcolm: “Life finds a way.”

Everything is either under construction, underwater or inexplicably one-way in the wrong direction. Try getting from Brickell to Wynwood without accidentally ending up in Hialeah. God is right now looking at your fool’s errand and telling his boy, “Come on, this will be funny… You’re due for a laugh.”

3. No one’s from here, and they all brought their driving habits with them

In Miami, you’ll find New Yorkers who think turn signals are for cowards. And Bostonians who drive like they are evading child support. Latin Americans who learned to drive in countries where red lights are “Maybe stop?” and lanes are “Is that a lane.” There are Midwesterners traumatized by the horn-honking, now going 15 in the fast lane while crying. And Canadians, who honestly are just confused.

4. The Cuban coffee hits mid-commute

Cafecito culture is real. And cafecito does not play. It’s not “coffee.” It’s a concentrated rocket blast of liquid ambition and sugar-induced mania. Half the drivers in Miami are running on 3 hours of sleep, 6 ounces of pure octane espresso and a playlist that includes Don Omar, Bad Bunny, and Gloria Estefan’s dark side.

5. The infrastructure gave up years ago

We’re adding 1,000 new residents a day, building glass condos that touch the stratosphere and opening 20 new restaurants every 8 minutes. But you know what we haven’t done? Built a single new highway.

I-95? Designed in 1960 when Miami was 5 iguanas and a couple old ladies playing bridge. Now? It’s a glorified parking lot where you can age in real time. Try driving from Kendall to the Design District. That’s 14 miles. That’s a two-hour round trip, a spiritual awakening and one emotional breakdown where you question the sense of it all.

6. No one uses public transit

We have a metro system. Allegedly. I’ve seen it. I had a friend who took it. But I think he was mad.

You’ll see the MetroRail – once – before it vanishes like a ghost train in a Guillermo del Toro movie. Buses? They exist. But only in theoretical models. Trolleys? Yes, they’re cute. But they take three hours to go six blocks and sometimes just vanish.

Why don’t people use public transit? Because it doesn’t go where you need it to and it’s slow. And sometimes, this is true, there’s an iguana on the tracks and service is delayed. Because to get to the station you have to brave the sort of heat that makes you redefine hot. When it rains, and not sometimes but once a day, you need a canoe to go out.

During the 90s you needed an AR-15 just to avoid the cocaine cowboys. But honestly, buying a used car in Miami is not only simple, but so cheap, that they sell them where Toys-R-US once stood and for the price of Play Doh. In Miami, we don’t walk anywhere. 

7. Drawbridges exist to mock you personally

There is no despair like racing to your appointment, finally making it through Biscayne traffic, only to hit the bridge just in time to watch it rise slowly, like the hand of God giving you the middle finger and calling you names. And now you wait 12 minutes, surrounded by other glass-eyed hostages, all texting the same thing:

“Sorry I’m late, the f***ing bridge.”

The bridge operator is probably reading a telenovela while eating arroz con pollo. They don’t care. But you will suffer. And it was all because of a tiny little sailboat… And what’s that behind it… 20 more.

8. The cursed Bermuda Triangle of Miami left turns

You thought you could turn left. The map said you could. But no. The sign says “No Left Turn 7 a.m. – 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. – 6 p.m. Except Weekends and Legal Holidays, But Only If Mercury’s in Retrograde and You’re Driving a Hybrid.”

So you miss the turn, get rerouted and end up on a causeway headed to a marina you’ve never seen before. If you miss your exit… It’s simpler to just let go of your old life and start over again. Let’s be honest, you’re never going to see your loved ones again.

9. Everyone is on their phone, all the time, always

It’s not even texting anymore. It’s TikTok. FaceTime. Ordering mofongo on UberEats. One guy next to me was literally live streaming his road rage.

“Check it out, bro — this Corolla’s been tailing me since 8th Street. Might be a Fed.”

In Miami people have emotional connections with their phones… It gives them everything.

10. The Latin American slugfest – driving school is for suckers

Here’s the thing about Miami drivers – most of them didn’t learn to drive here. And more than a few didn’t even learn learn – unless your definition of driver’s ed includes bribing a guy named “Don Tito” who teaches out of his cousin’s cantina and issues laminated licenses printed at a pawn shop. Coima culture. That’s what runs under the hood here.

In many parts of Latin America, not all but enough, a driver’s license isn’t so much a certification of competence as it is a souvenir from that one time your uncle knew a guy in the Ministry of Paperwork. And when those lovely people, and we do love them, we are them, migrate here? They bring their muscle memory and their municipal corruption reflexes with them.

It’s true. I know over 20 Venezuelans and they all have a variation of the same story: “My dad took me to the written multiple choice test, handed over a wad of cash, and the guy that was going to give me the exam stood over my shoulder and started saying ‘A… B… A… A… B… C…’”

God is testing you

There is no other explanation. The traffic is so bad it has to be spiritual… Lovecraftian. Some kind of penance. You did something in a past life. Maybe you disrespected a rooster. You fed an alligator something it wasn’t supposed to eat. Now? You must pay.

You want to understand Miami traffic? Get in your car. Turn on some tunes. Accelerate through a yellow light. Now realize that you’re part of the problem too… But that everyone is looking at you like, “You are part of the clan.”

Welcome to the Magic City. Honk twice if you survive.

Have you driven in Miami? Let us know what you think in the comments!